Dateline: Santa Paula. Word has it that the people here are weird.
Newspaper police blotters. Not only do they provide a public record of local misdeeds and miscreants for police departments, they often provide a unique window into a region, its darker underbelly, and occasionally, the oddball shenanigans that locals get themselves up to. They’re a peek into the weirder edges of humanity.
Sometime in the years between 1970 and 1989 (give or take), Judy’s mother curated a collection of the more notable crimes listed in the Santa Paula Chronicle “Crime Beat” section. After recently unearthing this collection, Judy generously shared it with me.
And so, here’s a sampling of Santa Paula’s retro crimes, with my commentary.
Note: The “Crime Beat” graphic is a reproduction of that used in the newspaper. I’ve preserved the original language and punctuation of each story but have corrected a few typos.
A woman reported her granddaughter was not obeying rules on McKevett Road.
Have you tried moving her to another road?
NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET – A man was reported chasing another man with a knife on Elm Street. When police responded, they discovered that two brothers were having an argument.
Freddy had a brother??
LADY STUCK IN BATHTUB — A woman, wearing a nightdress, fell in the bathtub and could not get out of it on Green Street. Police assisted her by filling up the tub, which floated her up and finally out.
Her last name wouldn’t happen to be “Taft,” would it?
COUPLE TOO AFFECTIONATE — A person reported a couple were being too affectionate on the school grounds at McKevett School. The observer stated the couple were “offensive and inappropriate to the public.” Police advised the couple and they said they would comply.
It was offensive and inappropriate. Police advised the couple of their right to have a cigarette.
MICROWAVES CARRIED AROUND WITH TOWEL— Microwaves were reported being carried around in a towel in the area of 10th Street.
Where in the hell did they get that towel?? Didn’t microwaves weigh a ton back in the day?
PERSON STUCK BETWEEN BED AND WALL — A person was stuck between a bed and the wall on North 13th Street at 4:30 a.m.
Oops! Didn’t quite stick the landing!
WOMEN SHOVING — Four women were shoving one another at Alpha Beta Shopping Center.
Shit gets real when it’s down to the last Rice-A-Roni.